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Int. Comedy club. Night
Jerry is ON STAGE.
Jerry
Starting over. That’s
what you do when you’re away for a while - you come back and you start again. You return to your old community and you
try to get your old job back. That’s what you do. Now, maybe I’m wrong about this but, I don’t think that
getting your old job back is such a great idea once you realize that it was your old job that made you go away in the first
place. And, if your old job was something violent, like, let’s say, a killer, you can forget about welcoming parties.
I don’t think your community will be too pleased to see you.
Int.
Jerry’s building. Day
Jerry
is knocking at his door. George is standing right next to him. George has a slight cold.
Jerry
Open up, Newman! I know
you’re there!
Newman
(o. S.)
(with
a different voice)
Sorry. No one lives here
with that name.
Jerry
stops knocking.
George
Maybe you should try to
go through the window.
Jerry
Yeah. Like a cliffhanger,
right?
George
Just trying to help.
Jerry
Thank you. That was a really
super idea.
George
Okay. You made your point.
(pauses)
Wait a second! That’s
it!
Jerry
What’s what?
George
The super! The supper-intendent.
He has to have a spare set of keys. They always do. All you have to do is tell him that you’re back and you need the
keys to throw Newman out.
Jerry
You’re right!
Jerry
and George walk away through the corridor.
Jerry
Y’know, I think the
supper didn’t have a spare set of keys to Newman’s old apartment.
George
Why would he want to go
there, anyway?
Jerry
Well, I’m thinking,
that’s his apartment now.
George
(sneezes)
So?
Jerry
Nothing. You should do something
about that cold. It’s becoming almost as annoying as you.
Int.
J. Peterman’s office. Day
J.
Peterman is sitting at his desk. Elaine is standing before him.
Elaine
So, what I’m trying
to say here Mr. Peterman is that... er... Well, I had some time to think about my life; a lot of time, actually and
(laughs)
You see, I’m starting
over and all that time when I was away I couldn’t stop thinking about all the fun I had here and...
Peterman
What are you trying to say,
Elaine?
Elaine
(v. O.)
Right. Here goes.
Elaine
I would like to work here
again.
Peterman
Really?
Elaine
Yes. Nothing would please
me more than that.
Elaine
(v. O.)
God! Did I just say that?
Peterman
Well, I believe I can please
in that way.
Elaine
Oh, thank you, Mr. Peterman!
Thank you! Thank you!
Peterman
But first, I want you to
do me a favor.
Elaine
Oh! Anything, Mr. Peterman.
Just name it.
Peterman
(thinks)
Elaine, do you have any
idea how amazingly the traditional dance from the island of Kilinmini
acts like an aphrodisiac in me?
Elaine
is confused.
PETERMAN
Elaine, I want you to dance
for me.
ELAINE (V. O.)
You want what?!
ELAINE
Er... Mr. Peterman, I'm
not sure if that's...
PETERMAN
Nonsense, Elaine! You're
a pretty young woman! How bad can you dance?
Elaine
grins.
INT. JERRY'S BUILDING. DAY
Jerry
and George are walking through the corridor back to Jerry's apartment door.
JERRY
What about your new girlfriend?
I figure she must be pretty interesting. I mean, after a year without doing, y'know.
GEORGE
Ah... She's okay.
JERRY
And that means?
GEORGE
She's a "layer".
JERRY
Don't you mean a lawyer?
GEORGE
No.
They
stop before Jerry's old apartment door.
JERRY
And?
Jerry
searches for something in his pockets.
GEORGE
She's very superficial.
JERRY
Oh! Now I see where the
conflict is. You're the one supposed to be superficial.
GEORGE
That's exactly what I think.
She has got some nerve stealing my superficiality.
JERRY
Have you told her how you
feel?
GEORGE
No. I'm thinking of telling
her tonight. I'm taking her out to dinner.
Jerry
manages to find his keys and holds the set, admiring it.
JERRY
Y'know, I can't believe
how easily he gave us these keys.
GEORGE
Who knows? Maybe he likes
you.
JERRY
Or maybe he doesn't like
Newman.
GEORGE
Yeah. He seemed to be very
excited when you told him that you were gonna throw Newman out.
Jerry
puts the key in the locker and opens the door.
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.
DAY
They
enter the apartment.
The
place is very much the same, except for a slight detail that destroys the magic of the moment - the sight of Newman sleeping
on Jerry's couch, wearing nothing but his underwear. A sight so horrible for mere human eyes to watch.
They're
shocked to say the least.
Jerry
tries to walk away in disgust but George stops him.
JERRY
George, let me go.
GEORGE
Jerry, no. You already went
through that door. You know exactly what's out there.
(puts his hand on Jerry's shoulder)
Don't worry. I'm here.
Jerry
breathes deeply and walks to the couch. He bends over and says.
JERRY
Hello... Newman.
NEWMAN
(smiling)
Hello... Jerry. Jerry?
(wakes up)
Jerry! Oh my God!
Newman
mumbles something as Jerry finds himself more confident.
JERRY
Shut up, fat ass! It's payback
time!
GEORGE
(checks
his watch)
Well, I'd love to stay here
and help you but I have to go now.
George
starts to walking towards the door.
JERRY
(grabs
Newman by the nose)
Okay, I'll see you tomorrow,
then.
GEORGE
What about that... thing,
we talked about?
JERRY
I'll think about it.
GEORGE
Okay. Good luck, Newman.
George
exits to the hall.
INT. JERRY'S BUILDING. DAY
George
walks down the corridor.
After
a while, comes a terrifying scream from Jerry's apartment.
GEORGE (V. O.)
Poor bastard.
INT. J. PETERMAN'S OFFICE.
DAY
Peterman
is sitting on his chair, his face pale from fear.
Elaine
is trying very hard to comfort him.
PETERMAN
The horror...
ELAINE
I'm so sorry, Mr. Peterman.
I had no idea this would happen.
PETERMAN
Oh! The horror...
INT. RESTAURANT. NIGHT
George
is having dinner with Wilma. George's cold is more evident now as he speaks with a little nose-voice.
WILMA
... and then she says "You're
lucky to have a boyfriend like that".
George
laughs. One of his stupid laughs.
GEORGE (V. O.)
What was that laugh? Do
you want her to think that you're an idiot? Quick! Change the subject!
GEORGE
So...! Are you enjoying
your meal?
WILMA
Yeah, it's good but, anyway...
Wilma's
speech goes to the background.
We
focus on a very uncomfortable George.
GEORGE (V. O.)
What's this on my tongue?
It's slimy... Could it be? Oh no! Damn cold! What am I gonna do now? Okay. Calm down. All I have to do is nod and everything
will be just fine. Think positive. I can do this. I can do this. Just don't swallow.
WILMA
... last night. George?
George
George
wakes up from his little dream.
WILMA
What's wrong?
George
SHRUGS.
WILMA
Aren't you hungry?
George
shakes his head.
WILMA
Are you tired?
George
shakes his head.
WILMA
Well, I know that something
is bothering you. What is it?
George
doesn't answer. He seems very keen to keep his mouth shut.
WILMA
(moves
closer to him)
Aren't you enjoying my company?
George
nods.
WILMA
Then... how about a kiss?
GEORGE (V. O.)
Now?
George
turns his head.
WILMA
First time?
George
grins and shakes his head. Wilma has an "I'm almost giving up on you" look on her face.
GEORGE (V. O.)
Do something you idiot!
Do you want her to think that you're gay? Is that what you want?
(beat)
I got it!
George
points to his throat.
WILMA
Oh! You have a cold too,
huh?
George
NODS.
WILMA
I tell you something, that
can be very annoying.
George's
P.O.V.: Wilma grabs her napkin and spits into it. She puts the napkin on the table and proceeds like nothing happened.
George
is shocked.
GEORGE (V. O.)
Did I just saw that? She
spat on her napkin! What's stopping me from doing the same thing? Women are supposed to be much more ethical than men. If
she's like this, I can extend my behavioral guidelines. Come on, you idiot! Spit! Spit! Let her know that you're a man! Spit
on your napkin! No! Better yet! Spit on the floor! That will knock her out for sure!
George
spits on the floor.
WILMA
That's gross!
(gets up)
I have to get going.
GEORGE
But I thought...
WILMA
I'll call you.
GEORGE
But you don't have my number.
WILMA
I said I'll call you.
Wilma
leaves.
George
is looking at his food when a waitress puts a rag on the table.
WAITRESS
You made the mess. You clean
it up.
George
looks to the waitress as she walks away.
When
he sees A STRONGER WAITER approaching, George grabs the rag and bends over.
INT. MONK'S. DAY
Jerry,
George and Elaine are sitting on their usual table.
ELAINE
So you spat?
GEORGE
Was that wrong?
ELAINE
Of course it was wrong!
JERRY
You can't just act like
a man in front of a woman and expect nothing to happen.
GEORGE
I thought that's the kind
of situation you should always act like a man.
ELAINE
But not like this.
GEORGE
She did the same thing!
ELAINE
Women are allowed to enter
men's world.
GEORGE
And we're not?
ELAINE
You're already part of it.
We simply prefer if you stay at one corner.
JERRY
Since when do you act so
manly?
GEORGE
Whose side are you anyway?
JERRY
I thought you said she was
superficial.
GEORGE
Only the first couple of
layers... So, what's the deal, did you thought about it?
ELAINE
About what?
JERRY
George wants to be my room-mate.
ELAINE
Your room-mate? But you
don't have another room!
GEORGE
He can sleep on the couch.
That's not the problem. Please, Jerry.
JERRY
Alright... I know I'm gonna
regret this but whata heck!
GEORGE
Thanks. It's only temporary.
Once I get a job, I'll be out in no time.
JERRY
That might take a while.
Kramer
comes in and sits next to Elaine.
JERRY
Hey, K-Man.
ELAINE
Hi.
KRAMER
Hya there.
GEORGE
Hey.
Elaine
checks her watch.
ELAINE
Oh! Look at the time!
(gets up)
I have to go now!
(to Kramer)
Get up.
KRAMER
But I've just sit!
ELAINE
Come on!
JERRY
Where are you going?
ELAINE
I'm gonna a see a friend
of Mr. Peterman. She's gonna teach me how to dance.
JERRY
That might take a while
too.
GEORGE
Why are you doing this?
ELAINE
(sits
back)
Mr. Peterman asked me if
I could dance for him.
JERRY
Don't tell me...?
GEORGE
What happened?
ELAINE
He flipped out. Now he wants
me to have a few lessons with a dancing instructor.
GEORGE
Why the hell did he ask
you to dance for him? He already saw you dancing before.
ELAINE
Well, apparently he forgot
it.
JERRY
It must've been such a terrible
sight that his mind blocked out that memory completely. Something far more worse than sexual abuse.
ELAINE
I appreciate your effort,
thank you.
KRAMER
When do you start?
ELAINE
Today, at 6 p.m. I don't
know if I can handle this. People say she's very much like Mr. Peterman.
KRAMER
I can give you a few lessons
myself, if you're interested.
ELAINE
You know how to dance?
KRAMER
Well... yeah. I mean, what's
there to know?
JERRY
In her case, there is a
lot to know.
ELAINE
Be quiet!
(to Kramer)
Okay, you got me into it.
I'll call her and tell her that I'm gonna take my dancing lessons with someone else.
GEORGE
Don't you think she might
find that a little harsh?
ELAINE
Why would she think that?
JERRY
She might take that as an
offense to her skills.
ELAINE
Yeah, I guess you're right...
So, what do I do?
GEORGE
How about taking both classes?
ELAINE
You mean, with Mr. Peterman's
friend and Kramer?
GEORGE
That way, you would kill
two rabbits with the same axe.
ELAINE
Whatever...
JERRY
(to
George)
What kind of expression
is that?
GEORGE
It's prison talking.
JERRY
Do you even know what rabbit
tastes like?
GEORGE
Rabbit, I guess.
KRAMER
(to
Elaine)
Are you in or out?
ELAINE
I’m in.
KRAMER
Good!
(stands and grabs Elaine by the wrist)
Let's go!
Elaine
almost falls over the table.
ELAINE
Wait!
KRAMER
There's no time! You need
to get to work!
And
off they go.
JERRY
Do you think Kramer can
teach Elaine how to dance?
GEORGE
Honestly?
Jerry
nods.
GEORGE
No.
INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT.
DAY
Kramer
is sitting on the couch. Elaine is standing before him. He speaks very eloquently, almost like a master of his art. She is
focused on his speech.
KRAMER
So you see, Elaine, music
isn't just sound, it's more than that. It's image, it's movement. When you dance, you don't just deliver your body to the
rhythm, your deliver your body to the emotion it transmits. That's the key: emotion. You must let your emotions be your guide.
Do you understand?
ELAINE NODS.
KRAMER
Good. Let’s get started.
Kramer
gets up and puts a tape on the stereo. One of his tribal musics comes out.
KRAMER
Now, free your mind and
show me what you’re capable of.
Elaine
delivers herself to the music.
I'll
do my best to describe it. Try to imagine her old dance with the little kicks and all, a hundred times worse and you're getting
the gist of it.
After
what seems to be an eternity, Elaine stops dancing.
Kramer
is static, his eyes blinded with fear.
ELAINE
So, how did I go?
KRAMER
(breathes
deeply)
Better than what I was expecting.
You got something there.
ELAINE
You really think so?
KRAMER
Oh yeah! Definetely! I have
no words to describe what I’ve just seen.
ELAINE
Gee!
(GIGGLES)
Thanks!
KRAMER
There's nothing more I can
teach you.
ELAINE
(checks
her watch)
I better get going. I don't
wanna be late to Mr. Peterman's friend's class.
KRAMER
You do that.
Elaine
walks to the door.
KRAMER
Can I stay here just for
a while? I need some rest.
ELAINE
Okay. Just don't forget
to lock the door on your way out.
KRAMER
Don't worry.
Elaine
exits the apartment.
Kramer
lies on the couch and screams.
INT. ELAINE'S BUILDING.
DAY
Elaine
hears a terrifying scream. She stops, looks back, SHRUGS and keeps on walking.
EXT. STREET. ELAINE'S BUILDING.
DAY
We
hear Kramer's scream.
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.
DAY
Jerry
and George are watching TV. Kramer comes in.
JERRY
How bad did it go?
KRAMER
It was a disaster! Jerry,
it's no use! Elaine can't dance!
GEORGE
What else is new?
KRAMER
No, I'm saying that dancing
should be an activity forbidden to her. It should be kept away from her knowledge.
JERRY
That bad uh?
KRAMER
She's worse than before!
It's out of my skills to teach her.
GEORGE
It's out of your skills
to teach anyone.
Jerry
and George get up simultaneously and walk to the kitchen.
Jerry
opens the refrigerator. George takes a bottle of water. George proceeds to fill a glass with water and they share it with
two straws.
Kramer
watches this bizarre behavior.
JERRY AND GEORGE
What is it?
KRAMER
(startles)
Nothing.
JERRY AND GEORGE
You wanna have dinner with
us?
KRAMER
I can't. I already made
plans.
JERRY
Fine. If...
GEORGE
... that's what you want.
KRAMER
Bye now.
Kramer
exits.
Jerry
and George walk to the couch and sit. Their movements fully synchronized.
INT. DANCE-STUDIO. DAY
Mr.
Peterman's friend, Marcy, is an old lady. She's wearing a dancing outfit.
Elaine
enters the studio. She is wearing a dance outfit (I don't know what it's called).
ELAINE
Hi. Mr. Peterman asked me
if I could...
MARCY
Ah! I was expecting you.
ELAINE
When do we start?
MARCY
(claps
her hands)
As soon as you're ready.
ELAINE
How about now?
MARCY
(claps
again)
As you wish. Now, pay attention.
I will not say this again. You came here to learn how to dance so, I have no other option but to keep you here until you're
ready to step on stage!
ELAINE
Do you think we'll be done
by dinner time?
MARCY
Let's get to work, shall
we?
INT. MONK'S. DAY
Jerry
and George are on their usual table side by side.
Elaine
comes in and joins them.
ELAINE
Hi!
JERRY
You're coming...
GEORGE
... from the dancing class?
ELAINE
What's that?
GEORGE
What's...
JERRY
... what?
ELAINE
Never mind... And as answer
to your Siamese question - yes, I did.
JERRY AND GEORGE
How was it?
ELAINE
Good. I've been going there
for a week, but she had never asked me to dance until today.
JERRY AND GEORGE
Some people don't know when
to keep their mouth shut.
ELAINE
I heard that. So, I was
hoping for a compliment but, she had laryngitis so she wasn't able to speak that much. But, get this, she managed to tell
that I don't need to go there again. How about that? That's the second time in less than two weeks that someone tells me this.
JERRY AND GEORGE
You're becoming an artist.
ELAINE
Stop that! You're freaking
me out with that!
JERRY AND GEORGE
With what?
ELAINE
Listen to yourselves! You're-talking-at-the-same-time!
It's distressing! And when you're not talking at the same time, you're finishing each other's sentences!
JERRY AND GEORGE
You mean, like this?
ELAINE
Exactly!
JERRY AND GEORGE
My God! You're right! I
must be becoming him.
ELAINE
Who's becoming who?
JERRY AND GEORGE
He's becoming me!
ELAINE
I think there's only one
way to handle this. You have to put him out a.s.a.p.
JERRY AND GEORGE
Who?
ELAINE
You. Him.
JERRY AND GEORGE
But what about me?
ELAINE
I don't know.
JERRY AND GEORGE
Stop that! Be quiet, you
idiot!
ELAINE
I can't take this anymore!
Elaine
gets up and leaves.
JERRY AND GEORGE
Enough of this. Okay...
Very funny.
They
begin to strangle each other.
JERRY AND GEORGE
Shut up! Shut up!
INT. J. PETERMAN'S OFFICE.
DAY
Elaine
is dancing.
Mr.
Peterman watches her with a sad look on his face.
Elaine's
dancing has improved. It has become a "tribal kicks" kind of dance with a hint from "The Nutcracker".
Mr.
Peterman is IN THE VERGE OF TEARS when Elaine stops dancing.
PETERMAN
Elaine, that was... very
beautiful.
Elaine
smiles.
ELAINE
Thank you. I was afraid
you might not like it.
PETERMAN
Oh... I loved it. Especially
the end.
INT. COMEDY CLUB. NIGHT
Jerry
is making his act.
JERRY
To me, art is one of the
best things that men ever came up with. It's even more interesting when you compare different types of art with each other,
like a movie and a painting. The main difference between them is that the movie is made by a team, whilst the painting is
a one man's work. They believe that a team can handle easier with any problems that might come up, in order to make the main
message more clear to the general public.
Now, imagine what would
it be like, if they began to use this kind of simplification process in painting. Paintings are now a team's work too. It
would be easier for those foreigner art lovers, that don't know a thing about art, to learn how to distinguish Picasso from
Kandinsky.
"To your left, he have one
of our most interesting pictures. Do you see this eye? Shaped like a cube? That's a Picasso. And this glass of water with
legs? It's Dali. Now, watch this bright sun, right here on the top corner. It was made an anonymous impressionist painter.
This means that the artists were thirsty."
The end
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